Last night, just before going to sleep, I was reading Christine Baldwin’s “Storycatcher” in which she proposes that the story we construct of our lives plays a fundamental role in how we live our lives. Baldwin states (p. 124) “We all need a story to stand on: a core belief that affirms who we are, which we won’t relinquish no matter what.” She goes on to describe how we create the “story” of our life by selecting certain memories and then linking them together to form a coherent narrative. A life story that is affirming and supportive is a positive and adaptive one; one that is undermining and critical of the self is negative and maladaptive. According to the cognitive psychotherapy approach, an extremely maladaptive life story could actually contribute to clinical depression.
Although we cannot change one iota of what happened to us throughout our lives, we can change our life story by the kinds of memories we choose to link into our self- narrative. Baldwin writes “When we link evidence of inadequacy, our lives take on psychological pallor; when we link evidence of worth, our lives take on psychological vitality.” Later she states “We create these links, and we can unlink them: we call this changing our mind.”
In our senior years of life we all tend to reflect on our life story and to use it to evaluate and put psychological closure on it (if that indeed ever comes completely). For the past several years, I have been journaling daily and reviewing and reflecting on my life as a scientist. I concluded that at best I was only an average scientist and subsequently have been feeling a bit depressed, not clinically depressed by any means, but definitely feelings of disappointment.
Science has played a central role in my life since early childhood. Soon after I learned how to read, I became interested in books on science and science fiction. I don’t remember how this interest arose, certainly not from any influence of my caretakers who were working class people. Somehow I identified with the scientists described in these books and I secretly hoped that when I grew up I too would become a famous scientist. I did indeed become a research neurobiologist but after twenty five years of competing for grants as a research neurobiologist, I decided to change my career to clinical psychology. There were several reasons for making this shift but in hindsight probably the most important was a desire, indeed a need, to understand myself and the course my life had taken. If I had not become a psychologist, I cannot imagine writing a post as personal as this one.
This morning I found my mind automatically creating a radical positive re-write of my life story. Perhaps my unconscious had been processing what I had been reading last night. that is Baldwin’s explanation of how we create our life story. For the first time I saw that I had linked many pieces of evidence of inadequacy into my life story as a scientist. For example, I noted that I had not won any prizes as a scientist, let alone a Nobel Prize. At first I could not think of any evidence of worth. Then slowly I realized three things. I had ignored that I had come from a difficult childhood background with associated handicaps. Secondly, I realized I had been using what psychologists call “upward comparison” and had been comparing myself to the giants of science such as Newton or Darwin. Thirdly, I had been focusing on what I had NOT achieved rather than what I had achieved.
When I ceased thinking in these erroneous ways, especially neglecting to take into account my own unique limitations and circumstances, a surprisingly new and positive picture of my life became discernable. Although I did not win a Noble Prize, I did manage to overcome many difficulties to become a research neurobiologist. Also, in my midlife, I made a complete career change and obtained a second Ph.D. in clinical psychology. Thus, by linking these pieces of “evidence of worth” into my life narrative, I managed to turn a maladaptive story to an adaptive one. All this came from my reading last night Christina Baldwin’s “Storycatcher”. I am so grateful. Thanks Christina.
There is a final bonus! Even at seventy three, I have gained a new sense of what is of central value in my life. I think my delighting in science and writing, including my daily journaling and writing these posts, are the most important things in my life. Consequently, I will consciously take more time to treasure the joy which science brings into my life and weave it even more tightly into the tapestry of my life story.
I came to this realization after reading the very enlightening comment of Baldwin “We all need a story to stand on: a core belief that affirms who we are, which we won’t relinquish no matter what.”
Copyright © 2009 by Dr. Brian S. Scott
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
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